KRISTY'S STORY
IS SHE IN THERE? LET HER OUT.
How long could I hide her? For too many years this person was hidden to everyone but me. Since my early
teens I had chased, battled, tried to control and understand this being whom no one but I had ever met, or for
that matter, ever laid eyes on. This person was I, yet in essence, was the opposite of all I was. While I was
to the world a strong, confident, masculine individual, this alter ego inside was shy, vulnerable, and acutely
effeminate. Through years of triumphs and tears, successes and sorrows she was always there, surfacing for
only stolen hours of time. I sometimes felt that if I could just ignore her she would die. Other times I felt I
would explode from within if I did not heed her advances. Strangely her influences enhanced some of my
relationships with friends and family. To others she was more of a frustration.
In 1982 I met the woman of my dreams. Like most transgendered people, I thought love would save me (this
is a total misconception). I had it in my mind that once I fell in love I would not need the inner being that I had
hidden for so long. I was wrong. Going in I knew my new wife would never accept my "other" self. But for her
sake, and because I truly loved her, I was willing to stuff my urges. I tried....I really did, but after a couple of
years it was too much, and I again indulged my hidden desires as I could. My wife never met her, never saw
her, and never knew she existed; yet, in a way, I believe my wife sensed her presence.
Through the years a guilt and frustration grew inside of me as well. I spent countless nights crying to myself,
and outwardly, while lying in bed next to my wife. How I wanted to wake her and tell my secret. How could I
hold this truth from the woman I loved so much? How could she not understand? How could I explain
something I vaguely understood myself? With each passing year the pain grew, and the possibility of revealing
my hidden self grew more and more remote. It's said bad news gets worse with time, it's true.
In December of 1998, for the umpteenth time, I purged myself of the mistress in my mind. I had purged
many times before, but this time was different. I was tired of the conflicts she created within me. And
after all, I wasn't young anymore, and I had children who were growing up. The chances of being discovered
were becoming increasingly greater. So, I wanted to end it this time. And I did end it, I thought.
I poured myself into things that would fill the void she left: my wife, my family, my home, my career, my faith.
However, there was always a nudge, a constant tug inside reminding me that I wasn't all there.
Then in September of 2002, after eighteen years, my marriage suddenly dissolved. Almost overnight I found
myself divorced and totally alone. As I struggled to rebuild my life that familiar small voice inside fought to
the surface again. Though she had never really left me, it had been over four years since I had really felt her
presence. Unlike before, she now had the time, the opportunity, and a less divided mind to woo. So our
courtship started over, and I sought way to bring her out.
It took several months for me to decide exactly what to do about these renewed feelings. I had nothing. I
had not collected any clothes, makeup, nothing, for over four years. I knew I didn't want to live in a closet. If
I was going to experience her again things would have to be different. I started to explore the Internet for
resources and information, and, through a series of links, I came across an interesting
site. Four days later, with much fear and trepidation, I traveled two hours to
Montpelier, VT to visit TGNorth for the first time. I knew I wanted to explore
and discover this hidden identity again, to take it to the next level, to expose her
to the world to see if what she promised was true. But while excited about the
possibilities, I feared what I might discover; what I might learn about myself; what
she might do when revealed. When I first walked in the hall at TGNorth I felt
uncontrollably nervous, yet oddly at ease. The collective embrace given by the girls
there softened the angst inside me and as I submitted to their gentle and loving care,
and a beautiful woman appeared out of me that I had only dreamed was inside.
I felt good. I felt complete. The results are what you see in these pages.
(At right is a picture of me that first day. That night, right after that picture was
taken, we all went out to dinner. It was my public debut.....talk about nervous.)
My life hasn't been the same since that weekend. My alter personality has now taken on the life of her own I
had never fully allowed before. She now has a name, Kristy. She now has an identity. (She even has a web
site!) And, while Kristy is still a stranger to my family and most friends, she now has her own new friends (and
one enormous wardrobe). But something more has been discovered. I have come to realize that Kristy is more
than just my "other self"... Kristy is who I am.
So where does all this lead? I'm not sure yet. Life is a journey, not a destination, so I'm still on the journey.
However, of a few things I am certain. For one, had my ex-wife not decided she didn't love me enough to be
married anymore you wouldn't be reading this. The divorce had no outward connection to my transgenderism,
though in retrospect, it may have played some small part. I was not the 100% macho man she needed me to be.
My ex remarried ten months after divorcing me, and I was crushed. Yet, though she would have never
accepted this side of me (I know that for fact), she was a big part of my life. And, despite all the divorce put
me through, she is still the mother of my children, and I at least respect her for that. In a way, by throwing
me away, she did me an enormous favor.
Which leads to my next certainty: there are many, many biological men in this world, who feel the need, the
desire, the compulsion to be feminine to some degree or another. Whether it's crossdressing, transvestism,
t-girl, or transsexual, it exists within us. Why it's there (be it chemical, environmental, or otherwise), or
whether or not it's right (biblically, or morally), are all topics for other discussions by people a lot smarter
than I. The fact is it's there, and it is tremendously difficult to control. In my mind, I have concluded that
there are two choices of what to do with it: fight it or embrace it. Anything in between leads to turmoil. I
experienced that inter-turmoil for too many years. I didn't have the will to fight it, nor the independence or
support to embrace it. So I suffered within myself, and by myself. Fighting it takes strength and courage,
and risks being true to yourself. Fighting is a tough road, but at least it doesn't tease you with
"what-could-bes". Embracing it leads to many choices that are not always socially acceptable. Embracing
sometimes takes more courage than fighting, and leads to more criticism. But living in-between fighting and
embracing, in the closet, in hiding, will tear you up. Living in the closet leads to self-doubt, insecurity,
suspicion, guilt and frustration. Living in the closet denies you the experience of being what you really are. I
know; I've been there, done that, have the scars to prove it.
My choice now? Embrace it. I have decided to see what this inter-self is all about. Am I totally out of the
closet? No yet. I may never come out to my family and some friends. But I have opened the door wide enough
to ease the suffering long-caused by hiding. I have stopped fighting the feelings that have haunted me all my
life. I have developed new and close friends that share this transgendered enigma. I have met the most
incredible people through this experience, and I am enjoying things that were never before possible to me. I
believe that I am now a more "rounded" person. And so far...I love the journey.
I have heard it said that what you are may be predetermined, but who you are is always changing. I am now
more open to the changes in who I am, and I am looking toward what the future has for me.
So... Is she in there? I say let her out. Embrace her. Explore her. Enjoy her. Let her experience life. Let
her dance as if no one is watching.
Questions? Comments? I love when people respond to agree or even disagree with me, it helps me grow. Please
contact me at kristy@kristydantes.com or sign my guest book.
Some additional notes:
This story is a "work in progress" not an end. I invite you to stop back from time to time as I add to it. This
life is a journey, not a destination. As I come to understand more about this transgendered riddle I will
share my thoughts with you.
There are many resources, articles, and books listed in My Links page. Helen Boyd's book "My Husband Betty"
and "Alice in Genderland" by Richard J. Novic, M.D. are my favorites. I have personally met and spent time
with both Helen and Alice, and they are encredible people. (Betty is too!) I encourage you to read and learn all
you can.
The purpose of this site is to encourage, educate, and show the transgendered community that it is possible
for even an ugly duckling like me to be all she was meant to be. Feel free to contact me with comments, or for
my thoughts. I have a Yahoo 360 profile at http://360.yahoo.com/kristydantes in which you can learn more
about me and read more of my blogs.
I am a member of several national transgender organizations, including NTCE and IFGE, that strive to
promote and educate the world of the ideals and struggles of the transgendered community. If you are part
of this community, or a supporter, I urge you to take part and do anything you can.
Thank you.
HOME
IS SHE IN THERE? LET HER OUT.
How long could I hide her? For too many years this person was hidden to everyone but me. Since my early
teens I had chased, battled, tried to control and understand this being whom no one but I had ever met, or for
that matter, ever laid eyes on. This person was I, yet in essence, was the opposite of all I was. While I was
to the world a strong, confident, masculine individual, this alter ego inside was shy, vulnerable, and acutely
effeminate. Through years of triumphs and tears, successes and sorrows she was always there, surfacing for
only stolen hours of time. I sometimes felt that if I could just ignore her she would die. Other times I felt I
would explode from within if I did not heed her advances. Strangely her influences enhanced some of my
relationships with friends and family. To others she was more of a frustration.
In 1982 I met the woman of my dreams. Like most transgendered people, I thought love would save me (this
is a total misconception). I had it in my mind that once I fell in love I would not need the inner being that I had
hidden for so long. I was wrong. Going in I knew my new wife would never accept my "other" self. But for her
sake, and because I truly loved her, I was willing to stuff my urges. I tried....I really did, but after a couple of
years it was too much, and I again indulged my hidden desires as I could. My wife never met her, never saw
her, and never knew she existed; yet, in a way, I believe my wife sensed her presence.
Through the years a guilt and frustration grew inside of me as well. I spent countless nights crying to myself,
and outwardly, while lying in bed next to my wife. How I wanted to wake her and tell my secret. How could I
hold this truth from the woman I loved so much? How could she not understand? How could I explain
something I vaguely understood myself? With each passing year the pain grew, and the possibility of revealing
my hidden self grew more and more remote. It's said bad news gets worse with time, it's true.
In December of 1998, for the umpteenth time, I purged myself of the mistress in my mind. I had purged
many times before, but this time was different. I was tired of the conflicts she created within me. And
after all, I wasn't young anymore, and I had children who were growing up. The chances of being discovered
were becoming increasingly greater. So, I wanted to end it this time. And I did end it, I thought.
I poured myself into things that would fill the void she left: my wife, my family, my home, my career, my faith.
However, there was always a nudge, a constant tug inside reminding me that I wasn't all there.
Then in September of 2002, after eighteen years, my marriage suddenly dissolved. Almost overnight I found
myself divorced and totally alone. As I struggled to rebuild my life that familiar small voice inside fought to
the surface again. Though she had never really left me, it had been over four years since I had really felt her
presence. Unlike before, she now had the time, the opportunity, and a less divided mind to woo. So our
courtship started over, and I sought way to bring her out.
It took several months for me to decide exactly what to do about these renewed feelings. I had nothing. I
had not collected any clothes, makeup, nothing, for over four years. I knew I didn't want to live in a closet. If
I was going to experience her again things would have to be different. I started to explore the Internet for
resources and information, and, through a series of links, I came across an interesting
site. Four days later, with much fear and trepidation, I traveled two hours to
Montpelier, VT to visit TGNorth for the first time. I knew I wanted to explore
and discover this hidden identity again, to take it to the next level, to expose her
to the world to see if what she promised was true. But while excited about the
possibilities, I feared what I might discover; what I might learn about myself; what
she might do when revealed. When I first walked in the hall at TGNorth I felt
uncontrollably nervous, yet oddly at ease. The collective embrace given by the girls
there softened the angst inside me and as I submitted to their gentle and loving care,
and a beautiful woman appeared out of me that I had only dreamed was inside.
I felt good. I felt complete. The results are what you see in these pages.
(At right is a picture of me that first day. That night, right after that picture was
taken, we all went out to dinner. It was my public debut.....talk about nervous.)
My life hasn't been the same since that weekend. My alter personality has now taken on the life of her own I
had never fully allowed before. She now has a name, Kristy. She now has an identity. (She even has a web
site!) And, while Kristy is still a stranger to my family and most friends, she now has her own new friends (and
one enormous wardrobe). But something more has been discovered. I have come to realize that Kristy is more
than just my "other self"... Kristy is who I am.
So where does all this lead? I'm not sure yet. Life is a journey, not a destination, so I'm still on the journey.
However, of a few things I am certain. For one, had my ex-wife not decided she didn't love me enough to be
married anymore you wouldn't be reading this. The divorce had no outward connection to my transgenderism,
though in retrospect, it may have played some small part. I was not the 100% macho man she needed me to be.
My ex remarried ten months after divorcing me, and I was crushed. Yet, though she would have never
accepted this side of me (I know that for fact), she was a big part of my life. And, despite all the divorce put
me through, she is still the mother of my children, and I at least respect her for that. In a way, by throwing
me away, she did me an enormous favor.
Which leads to my next certainty: there are many, many biological men in this world, who feel the need, the
desire, the compulsion to be feminine to some degree or another. Whether it's crossdressing, transvestism,
t-girl, or transsexual, it exists within us. Why it's there (be it chemical, environmental, or otherwise), or
whether or not it's right (biblically, or morally), are all topics for other discussions by people a lot smarter
than I. The fact is it's there, and it is tremendously difficult to control. In my mind, I have concluded that
there are two choices of what to do with it: fight it or embrace it. Anything in between leads to turmoil. I
experienced that inter-turmoil for too many years. I didn't have the will to fight it, nor the independence or
support to embrace it. So I suffered within myself, and by myself. Fighting it takes strength and courage,
and risks being true to yourself. Fighting is a tough road, but at least it doesn't tease you with
"what-could-bes". Embracing it leads to many choices that are not always socially acceptable. Embracing
sometimes takes more courage than fighting, and leads to more criticism. But living in-between fighting and
embracing, in the closet, in hiding, will tear you up. Living in the closet leads to self-doubt, insecurity,
suspicion, guilt and frustration. Living in the closet denies you the experience of being what you really are. I
know; I've been there, done that, have the scars to prove it.
My choice now? Embrace it. I have decided to see what this inter-self is all about. Am I totally out of the
closet? No yet. I may never come out to my family and some friends. But I have opened the door wide enough
to ease the suffering long-caused by hiding. I have stopped fighting the feelings that have haunted me all my
life. I have developed new and close friends that share this transgendered enigma. I have met the most
incredible people through this experience, and I am enjoying things that were never before possible to me. I
believe that I am now a more "rounded" person. And so far...I love the journey.
I have heard it said that what you are may be predetermined, but who you are is always changing. I am now
more open to the changes in who I am, and I am looking toward what the future has for me.
So... Is she in there? I say let her out. Embrace her. Explore her. Enjoy her. Let her experience life. Let
her dance as if no one is watching.
Questions? Comments? I love when people respond to agree or even disagree with me, it helps me grow. Please
contact me at kristy@kristydantes.com or sign my guest book.
Some additional notes:
This story is a "work in progress" not an end. I invite you to stop back from time to time as I add to it. This
life is a journey, not a destination. As I come to understand more about this transgendered riddle I will
share my thoughts with you.
There are many resources, articles, and books listed in My Links page. Helen Boyd's book "My Husband Betty"
and "Alice in Genderland" by Richard J. Novic, M.D. are my favorites. I have personally met and spent time
with both Helen and Alice, and they are encredible people. (Betty is too!) I encourage you to read and learn all
you can.
The purpose of this site is to encourage, educate, and show the transgendered community that it is possible
for even an ugly duckling like me to be all she was meant to be. Feel free to contact me with comments, or for
my thoughts. I have a Yahoo 360 profile at http://360.yahoo.com/kristydantes in which you can learn more
about me and read more of my blogs.
I am a member of several national transgender organizations, including NTCE and IFGE, that strive to
promote and educate the world of the ideals and struggles of the transgendered community. If you are part
of this community, or a supporter, I urge you to take part and do anything you can.
Thank you.
HOME
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